Shaking My Head…

I have been blogging for a very long time. It was my way to dump all the toxic waste that was my life at the time. My current blog goes back to December 2005 up until present day. I have been reading past posts and I’m amazed at how much crap I put up with in the name of saving my marriage and face. Jesus…I was unhappy. I’m considering deleting all things concerning “The Hero” as he has been dubbed. It is really hard to read some of the things that I wrote…BUT…I could keep it up as a reminder to NEVER let anyone define my worth. I am so glad I took off those rose-colored glasses and really SAW what was being blatantly being done in front of me. I really believed that all of the infidelity  was my fault…I was pathetic, stupid, fat, unworthy…if only I could lose weight and be perfect then he would love me for me. Love our children. Be a father and actually act like a human being and not a snake. From what I read..the only thing that changed were the dates…everything stayed the same. Which leads me to believe  “A leopard doesn’t change his spots…he can paint himself black and say he is a panther…but when the rain comes the leopard reappears.” …is true.  Well it rained a lot during this relationship. When the man uttered the words “I will eventually grow to love you.” I should have RUN,SCURRY,FLEE …far away from him. Sigh…
A teeny tiny itty bitty silver lining of this black cloud…
If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be who I am today. Independent and strong…I can do pretty much anything I set mind on and I don’t tolerate bullshit. Comes from many long lonely nights crying wondering what you have done wrong.  My new thing is : “Don’t piss on my shoe and then tell me it’s raining” 
Yeah…a person will earn my affection these days instead of me just throwing it out there hoping someone will take it.  The biggest mistake I made was marrying a man who I really didn’t consider a friend. Any type of friend at all…my new partner will be my friend as well as my mate. That is the key to a lasting respectful relationship.
NEVER EVER LET ANYONE DEFINE YOUR WORTH. Our worth is priceless. Unfortunately I let that person make me feel worthless…and he treated me as such.
🙁
I was so sad…why would I do that to myself? It’s upsetting. I will think over whether or not I will remove the offending posts from my Blog.
Just…shaking my head here. I never thought I was capable of being that simple.

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2 Comments

  1. Mama says:

    Don’t delete them! Keep them as you say as a reminder to yourself and write a book about how a simple bitch became a strong independent woman. We are very proud of you for your realization of your own worth. Next time, as well as a friend, make sure he is not narcissistic but open and selfless with his affection and love for you and that he is a true friend. Daddy says not a pretty boy who tend to turn into old ugly selfish men with nothing worthwhile. lol

  2. Kookie says:

    LOL…yeah I will name the book “Memoirs of a Simple Bitch” It should be Best Seller. I am always quick to give advice…this is the first time I have actually taken my own advice. I’m still considering deleting some of that stuff though…

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