Resentment *LONG*

Last night The Husband called me…well he text me first to ask me if I was up…then called.  That irritates me more than anything in the world. I have always told him that he could call anytime he wanted to talk to me.  Most Husbands just call their Wives…no…he has to be fecking dramatic about it all.  This man has gone MONTHS without any contact with me (and this is when we was “happy”)…now…if I don’t call him or seek out contact with him on a constant basis he gets all butthurt.
Anyway…we can have a deceit conversation as long as it stays away from the elephant in the room.  The marriage. Or lack thereof…
*sigh*
Chit chat…chit chat…bullshit bullshit bullshit…then he asks… “Does it make you uncomfortable when I say I love you?”
*sigh*
I’m thinking just leave me the hell alone.  I don’t know what he wants from me…if I am nice and civil he takes that shit and runs with it.  His complaint…he has told me 7 times this week that he loves me and I havent responded back with the same.  His issue…if he wouldn’t have text me (no…not call..but fecking TEXT) on New Year’s Eve would I have done so??  Why did I wait 7 minutes to respond back with a half-hearted “I love you.”? He is all in…up to his neck and im still on the deck watching him drown.
*BIG SIGH*
How about…I’m enjoying seeing you drown??  How about…I don’t believe you when you tell me that you love me because it was so easy for you to say it to someone else?? Sure I would have called you on New year’s Eve…notice CALL…but you started in with the guilt trip texts of having PTSD flashback from the fireworks. I can’t breathe…im under a table!  And besides me telling him to breathe…what does he expect me to do??
Actually people…my only thought about the PTSD thing is this…when you were all up in that little girl you decided was your fecking soulmate…in Iraq with bombs going off…I’m sure your ass wasnt running under tables!  I mean really!  I have been conditioned to be the way that I am now.  No…I’m not going to want to hug you while we are “intimate” because I’m just wishing the shit will be over with.  Having thoughts and images go through your mind about him doing this exact same thing with another woman tends to cool the fires. No…I don’t call you or text you all the time because I was clingy…needy…pathetic…all those lovely things that was used to describe me. He tells me that he didn’t force me to stay with him…no he didn’t.  I made that dumbass decision on my own.  I didn’t have anywhere to go.  I was scared and I actually believed that it was okay because I least I had someone. Now…THAT IS PATHETIC.  I’m calling myself that… I recognize stupidity on my part when I see it.
Back to his bullshit question…how do you answer that?  So I told him…It is hurtful when you tell me you love me all the time.  THAT is the truth…
So now the new thing is…it has been almost a year since you have said that you want a divorce…He think we should shit or get off the pot.  I agree…I still want a divorce…almost a year later.  He is still trying to reconcile…almost a year later.  Looks like we are spinning our wheels here.  I’m not going to” join him in the water” where he is neck deep…only to drown with him.  I have been in the water for too long…its time for me to dry out. Really.
What do I feel now? Indifference. So when he tells me I Love You…I guess I could respond “I am indifferent to you” or just “Meh.”
I asked him to READ the lyrics to this song…to understand how I am feeling.  I don’t believe he has even taken the time to look it up and read the lyrics.  I guess it hurts for him to see what im feeling.  Better to ignore it I guess.  I dont think that we would be spinning any wheels at this point if he would just read and understand…

RESENTMENT- Beyonce
I wish I could believe you then I’ll be alright
But now everything you told me really don’t apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it’s all because you lied
[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment
Just can’t seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don’t know how you gave another who didn’t mean a thing, no
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you’ve changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain’t the same
And it’s all because you lied
[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment
I may never understand why
I’m doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I’m much too full of resentment
I’ll always remember feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn’t do it for you like your mistress could
And it’s all because you lied
[Bridge:]
Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it’s all because you lied
[Chorus:]
I only give you a hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I’m too damn full of resentment
I know she was attractive but I was here first
Been ridin’ with you for six years why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you, you
I know your probably thinking what’s up with Bee
I been crying for too long what did you do to me
I used to be so strong but now you took my soul
I’m crying can’t stop crying can’t stop crying
You could of told me that you wasn’t happy
I know you didn’t wanna hurt me
But look what you done-done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me
How could you lie

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