Lots of Krumbles…

…and its time to clean them up!  I have had so much happen in my life since the last time I have posted my thoughts.  I’m not even sure if there are people reading this…but it is good to purge. ‘ My life in ruins!’ That has been the theme. Or maybe ‘That’s how the cookie crumbles…’ Yah…I really like that one.  Just tired of the big ass cookie crumbling around me.  My cookie has been crumbling for so damned long there should be a dessert.  Apple crumble maybe??  Hell…I am an apple body type, hence the obsession with weight loss and exercise.  Little did I know…the extra weight and the messy house was all a side effect of The Life.  My Life.  I was (am…don’t kow what the hell it is at this point) in a relationship for about 22 years that was pretty much one-sided. One sided until I decided to call him on his bullshit and say the magical words I WANT A FECKING DIVORCE!! Granted ‘fecking’ was not a word that I used.  It was of another “F” variety and I surprised myself with how eloquently I used the F-bomb.  Adjective, adverb, noun, verb…hell it was at one point SUBJECT. I was impressive now that I think about it…I guess working with the young soldiers has rubbed off on me more than I thought.  I am the subject matter expert on Potty Mouth.  Anyway…I demanded screamed and yelled for a divorce.  I thought it was done…over.  FREE!  Nope…confusing as it seems…the man that I married (after 22 years of acting like a complete asshole) tells me…NO!  What do you mean??  I don’t want a divorce…I never wanted a divorce.  Do you really mean you want a divorce??  But whhhhyyyy? Really…it was a long drawn out …whhhyyy?
What, what, what?!?  Now…I’m confused.  I thought ” I want a fecking (substitute other F there) divorce.  You make me sick.  You are a shitty husband…etc and so on…” would be a hint and a half for a person.  No…he wants to reconcile.  Reconcile.  How is that possible when we have had IRRECONCILIBLE differences for the past 22 years?  I want a husband that would come home…he thought it was okay to stay out all the time.  Hey…how about you give up, break up, stop dating other females??  They were just friends…Friends.  Most friends don’t declare undying love towards their other friend. No letters smelling of perfume sealed with a big fat lipsticky kiss on the back…I kid you not.  One of those came to my house.   Most friends don’t send extreme naked pictures (with ugly assed red boudoir shoes that have feathers on them) using a twin vibrator to their “friend”.  I have seen so much of that particular Hoecake…I swear I could be her OB/GYN. His excuse…well I can’t control what they send…I can’t go through the computer to touch them…its only pictures.  Granted…this Naked Friend was an ex girlfriend that he never let go of…can you imagine dealing with that in the shadows for 22 years?? THEN…the actual full-blown RELATIONSHIP undying love affair he had…which resulted in me being humiliated when his YOUNG girlfriend pinned on his rank. Did I mention I am an Army Wife?? Then the declarations of me not being her…kind of impossible to be someone of a different race and damn near twenty years younger.  But I tried anyway…nope…couldnt do it.  There has never been a time when he could muster up the strength to tell anyone of interest…NO.  There is so much more too…but he can change.
Change…into what? Human? deceit? How does a serial cheater…a narcissistic personality change?  I’m a patient person…but that has gone away. Really it has.  I think the writing was on the wall when I went into the doctor’s office sobbing begging for her to give me something that will unnumb me and make me stop hating my husband.  She looked at me like I was nuts (I guess I was) and told me there is nothing like that…but let’s give you a cocktail of medicine.  In the meantime…seek counseling.  So I took some meds…seeked couseling AND I decided to see a drug prescribing doctor.  Take this…try that.  The meds made me gain 45 pounds and caused me to be suicidal.  I guess hating the husband was placed on the back burner for a time.  Hell…I hated myself…but was sleepy. The last medicine I was on caused me to have an EXTREME throat closing allergic reaction.  I went to the emergency room twice in two days…I decided that was enough.  I have been off all medicine since August…and I have never been happier. I lost the extra weight and the suicidal thoughts.
Crumbling…crumbling…but with the crumbling a new person is emerging.  The person that I really am…not the shell I was…
So…here I am. I want a divorce…he wants to continue trying until he is in the ground.  Gonna go out on his shield.  I guess I could say…let’s do this .  He has given me a whole year and a half of not doing anything.  The only thing that comes to mind is…How nice…I get a year and a half out of the twenty-two years.  Yep…guess he wants one of the cookies…

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2 Comments

  1. Public Fat says:

    Um yes..sad to say a divorce is long overdue! Kudos to you for sticking it out for so long to work at your marriage, but it takes two to make it a success. Sounds like he finally wants to put in the work, but it may be too little, too late. Good luck!

  2. Kookie says:

    Most people see this except the person that did everything that he could to cause the divorce. I agree with you…too little…too late. I just can’t believe a word that comes from his mouth. I don’t think that I can rebuild the trust between us again. Thanks for commenting…I didnt think anyone read anymore…

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