I Know My Limits

…yes I know my limits now concerning grains and other things high carb.  Yesterday I experimented with adding bread back to my diet.  Low Carb bread…that is what the package said.  The package is a liar…those two slices of bread led me down a path of uncontrollable binging on carbohydrates.  Two slices of bread led to…popcorn…candy…caramel corn…french fries…potato chips…full sugar Pepsi…onion rings with ketchup…ice cream…Frankenberry cereal…milk…go tarts…sigh.
In the refrigerator sat my Cobb salad.  It sat and sat and was ignored all day by me because I was out of control with the carbs.  I finally went to bed with visions of high sugar, high starch foods dancing in my head.  When I finally went to sleep I had the weirdest dreams (probably brought on by the shock to my system) that caused me to wake up with my heart racing and scared beyond belief.  Damn!  I woke up this morning feeling 10 pounds heavier and with a vow on my lips to never ever do that to myself again.  I cannot understand how I ate that way on a daily basis.  In Germany…i would come home from work everyday with a pound of peanut M&Ms…i would turn on BBC Prime and lay there shoving that shit into my mouth until I passed out asleep.  No wonder I felt like shit daily…
I need to post the results of a pound of M&Ms everyday…this is what it does to me:

Not pretty…I remember how I felt when I took the picture and how I felt when I saw the picture.  My husband is older than me and I look like his mother.  I was ashamed…mortified…and I felt like I was gonna pop.  That was my “Thin” outfit.  I was under the impression that black was slimming…HA!  My chin is blurred because I tried to airbrush the double chin away…little help that was…sigh.  I don’t want to go back to that…the lack of control…the hatred of my body…the searching in vain for something that will fit that doesn’t look like a tent or/is covered with flowers and fringe.  I don’t understand the people that come up with fashion for plus sizes…what woman wants to look like a fecking walking flower bed with cowboy fringe??  Some of my shirts  would have me fearing an attack by a swarm of bees.
This is where I want to stay: (I am proud of this picture…kinda like the one Susan Powter took for her after shot of “Stop the Insanity”…I would NEVER have taken this shot looking the way that I did then.  This is the result of a lot of hard work…)

This is where I want to stay…and to stay there means to stay away from the sugar.  Drink lots of water and stay committed to my exercise plan.  Yes…I may be denying myself all the so called “good”  foods…but sticking to low carbs has opened me up to a richer more interesting variety of foods that I would have never tried before.  I have never been a salad person…but now I crave them more than the M&Ms.  I can live without bread…and the sugar…the feeling that I am feeling today is equivalent to getting smacked on the nose with a newspaper.  My binging last night is not worth the weight gain or the way that I feel right now.   I have printed off these pictures and I will tape them to the refrigerator to remind myself where I am and where I could end up again if I allow myself to lose control again.
I know my limits now…it was an eye opening experience…
I am done with my bitching now…on to regular programming…


1 Comment

  1. silencea says:

    Hello Dear, I’m a recovering food addict myself. In high school I ate candy for lunch, snacks and even in bed at night. I became a vegan only to exchange bad sweets for “healthy” raw cane juice sugar or-what-ever snacks. Their all addicting and will keep you fat. I recommend giving up sugar and all sweet stuff, even calorie-free sweeteners (they lead to binges). It starts with an honest sincere desire to stop overeating and to loose weight. Your motives matter too. Do you want to loose weight to look sexy for your husband, or for every man who passes you by, for example? If your desire is motivated by love, it will go farther than if it motivated by lust and pride. Also, accountability. My blog audience and my husband, who has quit sugar too, have helped me keep in check. Lastly, there are spiritual implications to all of our decisions and everything in fact. We must know that our souls have been injured somehow when we feed ourselves things that make us feel and look ugly. I’m not suggesting you become a victim; that will only make your problems worse. We must learn to be victors. You cannot do it on your own. I recommend a 12-step recovery program. If you are overweight, you have a food addiction problem. I’ve had it myself and can see it in others.
    Some immediate diet advice, i.e. two-cents from a stranger. Your inside beauty will naturally want to make itself manifest on the outside, which will be driving force for change. A gentle and quiet spirit are some things that makes a woman beautiful. However, if you want to try to work on the mere physical and ignore everything else, by all means it is your choice. Here’s what I did. You must stop cold-turkey with anything sweet except fresh fruits and veggies. Smoothies and juice are not fresh fruit. Stop eating grains and junk food. Pickles are ok, but no so-called “healthy snacks,” they are too processed and mostly empty calories. Keep your fridge stocked with a week’s supply of veggies and some fruit, and chicken breast in your freezer. If you are a big oil addict, use organic raw Primrose oil. Not only is it healthy but it will give all your food an off-taste so you will naturally not want to use much of it. It is tolorable enough, however, to use a little on your cooked vegies. If you indulge on fruit too easily, just buy it on the weekends. Easier said than done, huh? Without spiritual and emotional transformation, this may very well be impossible for you. It is not impossible, however, and I am thankful to be able to say that it is even enjoyable. You find so much more to do with yourself than gloat, and hence, bloat. For non-food addicts I sound like a crazy, but for those who get intense cravings that are ignited by one single bite, you know what I mean.

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